Oh Golly. He Loves Me.

No, I’m not speaking of my boyfriend (though I know he does), I’m speaking of the ultimate Mr. Sketchy. The internet dating world. Dear women, after hearing of repeated ‘success’ I decided to go under-cover and expose the world of internet meeting. Let me be clear, “dating website” very misleading title, like the title to this post. These are not sites where you ‘date’ these are sites where you can scout out the men of the world around you. They are sites designed to allow you to meet other men, but on the man’s terms. Sites that base everything on a person’s ability to be honest. Scary right? Not to mention, since when do we ever put our ‘true self’ out amongst the world? Like never, way too exposing. I could go on for days. But, despite my distaste, I decided to give it a fair trial before exposing my own views to the public.

So I did the most dangerous thing of my college career. I set up a profile on OkCupid under MissLaurelB.

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OkCupid begun by a bunch of reality-deprived Harvard math students, is now one of the top ten dating websites in the United States, thanks to Times Magazine. Not only are they worth enough money to buy Missouri they aren’t exactly losing business anytime soon.

But enough of that, on to my experiences. I took the 25 questionnaire that matches you with people depending on your percentage, at first I thought my 97 percentage was a good thing, until I realized all the ‘hotties’ were scoring like 34%. All your ‘safe’, ‘conservative’, or generally non-sketchy-I-don’t-smoke-shrooms-answers’ shot your score up. So by the time I was done with the advanced match-up questions (like forty questions late, ranging from ‘Do you think it should be illegal to burn your country’s flag’ to ‘Do you sleep with someone on the first, second, or third date’) I was concerned. But also intrigued, on their standards, I was a pretty good chick, I was curious to see who I would be matched with. Millions and millions of users, and all I was asking was that he be within the age perimeters of 19-22 and straight.

Three freaking matches. Three. I’m not a nun….Silly Cupid. Okay, so I may have been down on the idea of burning flags and getting perpetually wasted, but still? Not even ten? But let us look at those options.

First off. Meet MannyGamble22, because the name wasn’t enough of a gamble to start with…

Seems fairly legit. We had an 88% match….which means he might be okay with anything ranging from burning flags to watching Seinfeld on the weekends. No big deal.

Though in his own defense, He listed God at the top of his interests.

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Onto the next fella, Loran425, and I appreciated his humor (body type: little extra), but other things led me to question our capability. I can handle a real man with some extra weight, it’s more of the…”I own cats and dogs” in the plural. Oh, and the confusion on why his profile claims he is 20 but the photo screams more along the lines of 32. Hm.

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He wasn’t too sketchy but (and I don’t mean this in a rude or unkind manner), any manwho takes to the internet to meet women instead of having the courage to strike a conversation in the real life, day-to-day is someone I would have a hard time looking up to. All these things must be taken into thought Ladies.

And thirdly on my long list of possible matches out of 3+ million.

RyanFrantz2. Is his father’s name Ryan? Is he a twin and came out second? Does he have a multiple personality disorder? Or possibly, his favourite number is the number two. Or, more likely, somewhere out in the myriad of this site, another RyanFrantz is frantzing about and this one lacked the creativity to come up with a more intriguing username. Though, who am I to speak?

He was the only one of the three I did a double-take at, but…muscles come with…egos.

ImageGreek Yogurt? Sorta sexy. ‘Spending money because I can.”? Not so much.

Watch out ladies, we got ourselves a countryboy-Gatsby wannabe.

Thankfully he never takes drugs but who knows about his religious views, his views on politics (doubt he has many), and even worst, that darn terrorist question. Is he a flag-burner?

For some reason, I just can’t get away from that.

Anyway, these were the men in my (hate this term) ‘quiver’ that the robots on OkCupid matched with me. Three. If I want to get to know them better, I can privately message them only I won’t be doing that. No leading men on! They are fragile as it is, and the hint is they’re on a dating website looking for love, don’t trample the poor things. Be honest, you’ll be in minority, but it will serve you well.

Despite my low matchups, dudes in the surrounding area of St. Louis were able to view my profile. I got plenty of messages within the first day, all sorts of juvenile sketchy. But a heck of a lot of interesting and entertaining reading. Like a Twitter account made of men messaging me flirtatious little quips in the effort to woo me with internet font and poor grammar. Oh it’s fun.

The serial-killer type with the dark profile picture in which he is dramatically staring downwards, Mdougan1991 asks, “What can you bake?”

BigTimeToure said, “hella pretty but you look kind of dangerous…like you would steal my kidney or something. hehe j/k”

Jwiri, a full-on hippie man with more tangled curls than I can even claim, “Hey, you are pretty, is your name indeed laurel?”

And to be honest, my heart broke a little when an older (probably late twenties) man with a the future propensity to be Santa Claus wrote to me, “I just read your profile and it was great. You look like a fun, intelligent and attractive woman. I would like to get to know you better. I look forward to hearing from you. -Michael”.

Oh sigh. And for only ten dollars a month (a Netflix subscription, meals for ten kids in Africa for a month, or even shakes for two at a hometown diner), I can see the profiles of all the men who clicked the ‘Like’ button (as of day two on OkCupid, 29).

My advice? Go out into the world. Meet people who aren’t afraid of the real world, who have enough confidence to talk to you outside of Facebook and private chats, and can openly share their views on flag burning, so you can run away quickly in return.

(Scale of one star (the worst) to 10 stars (great!) Experience of online dating rating? One Star. And only because it made me chuckle at times. Do I really look like the type to steal a man’s kidney? Oh OkCupid, how enlightening it has been. Goodbye.

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One thought on “Oh Golly. He Loves Me.

  1. captivatingmisfit says:

    It is interesting how dating sites work by matching profiles up. According to psychology we are attracted to people that are similar to us, rather than opposites…which can happen as well…but not as often. I feel like online dating just intensifies the picking of dates based on attractiveness…Most people pick a date based on how handsome or beautiful they are…which shouldn’t be the reason we date someone. After all, looks don’t last forever…what’s on the inside does..

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